The Football Manager 2012 Newcastle United rescue mission: Day #3

Using only the power of Football Manager 2012, Lee Hall is embarking on a quest to put his beloved Newcastle United back where they belong - in the nuthouse. On day three he meets some of the backroom staff...

Previously on The Football Manager 2012 Newcastle United Rescue Mission:
Day 1 – The mission
Day 2 – Silence of the Llambias

Day #3 - Called to Accounts

I piled through my emails like Mark Viduka in a pie shop on free sample day. Mike Ashley’s wasn’t all that bad – he’s paying me £14,500k. It was less than I was on at the Shields Gazette, but not much. Fair dos, I suppose.

The club scout has been in touch. It’s Graham Carr – Alan Carr’s dad. I can’t wait to see if he has the same teeth and excruciating voice as his son. Best keep on his good side because Mrs H loves it when I pretend to enjoy comedy she likes. Free tickets, here we come…

My assistant John Carver had chimed in with an email too. What’s wrong with a phone call or a chat over a pint these days? Anyway, his message was all over the shop. Something about breaking down trends and analysing strengths and weaknesses in the squad. What was he on? Just give them a rock hard ball and see who can kick it the furthest – that’s how you pick a side.

Carver’s heart seems to be in the right place, but he’s a bit too ‘buzz wordy’ for me. And he really lost it when he started going on about Yohan Cabaye. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good footballer and not as soft as you’d think for a French lad. But there’s a massive problem – he’s far too good looking for the new Newcastle United. And certainly too fit to be anyway near Mrs H when she’s in the director’s box and he’s out injured with a wrist sprain sustained while gelling his hair.

No - we need a marquee minger, a Brian Kilcline for the new generation. A weirdy who looks like he’s been signed from 1982 to put the wind up these namby pamby Premier League strikers. I’ll have a look at what’s out there and sort it. Alan Carr’s dad is bound to know some ugly Eastern European players we can get for two bob.

Speaking of money, I’m told my transfer budget is £8m. I thought all that Andy Carroll moolah was going into the club. But as far as I can tell they’ve blown the lot on Sports Direct signs and new Monty and Maggie Magpie mascot outfits.

I took my grievance to the club accountant, but not before I got Fergied up to the max – shorts, t-shirt with white socks under flip-flops. A lot of people wonder why Sir Alex is so successful, but I can tell you it’s down to the way he carries himself. I mean who else can pull of flips flops and socks? Maybe Scarlett Johanssen, I suppose…

The number cruncher showed me some graphs which were blank, it being the start of the season. Pointless. Nevertheless, I vowed I wouldn’t look at that screen again for the next six months. “You stick to the maths, pal. I’ll do the football,” I said. I started to trot out of his office like the cock of the walk before he dropped a bomb that almost made me soil myself.

“How do you feel about your salary?”

“Aye, not bad. It’s not exactly Sunday Sun territory, but it’ll keep the missus in Tesco Finest undergarments.”

“Hardly, Lee. Nearly fifteen grand a week is not bad for a first-time boss.”

“A week?...”

The tirade of swearing that followed was worthy of Peter Reid after stubbing his toe on a concrete football.

Fifteen grand a week? You’re in Richard Littlejohn territory there – and that poor sod has to write two columns a week from the discomfort of his Florida mansion for that.

The temptation to get out early and head to the casino was almost overwhelming, but it was time to get down to business. I decided to call a team meeting.

“You can’t do that,” the accountant ventured.

“Oh yes I can, my little man. This is Football Manager 2012 and team meetings are in there. These lads won’t know what hit them…"

Follow Lee's progress in Football Manager 2012 every week only on Made2Game.

Lee Hall (@leehalltweets) is a freelance journalist and Newcatle United season ticket holder. Lee has written for FourFourTwo, Official PlayStation Magazine, PC Gamer, Sunderland Echo and, more pertinantly, once edited the official Championship Manager and Football Manager magazines.

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