The Football Manager 2012 Newcastle United Rescue Mission: Day #5

Using only the power of Football Manager 2012, Lee Hall is embarking on a quest to put his beloved Newcastle United back where they belong - in the nuthouse. After a brief hiatus due to family commitments, Lee's back and on day five it’s time to face the media.

Previously on The Football Manager 2012 Newcastle United Rescue Mission:

Day 1 – The mission
Day 2 – Silence of the Llambias
Day 3 - Called to accounts
Day 4 – Peter Out

Day #5 – Hacked off

Time to meet the media. The Journal is represented. I can’t say I read the paper. Every other splash is about widening the A1 and they’re even further up farmers’ backsides than the bloody Northern Echo.

The Sunday Sun is in the room too. It’s never been the same since Neil Farrington jumped ship. Boy can he write. And I have to admit I had his byline photo blown up on my wall right next to my David Ginola and Kim Basinger posters in my teenage years.

First up – The Evening Chronicle. The reporter fires off some arse-kissing question about the facilities. “What really matters is what happens inside, not how shiny the building is,” I say. I want to fox these bastards – come over all Gordon Strachan meets Yoda.

But the question has given me an idea – maybe I could axe the reserve fixtures and make the lads buff the corridors of the training ground with used jockstraps? Could teach them a valuable lesson about humility and genital hygiene. On second thoughts, maybe it’s a step too far? I want to be a disciplinarian, not Roy Keane.

Then the press vultures asked what players I would keep. I go off script. “I’ve transfer listed every last one of them because they are a pile of turd. Wimba, womba, wimba, womba.” No-one bats an eyelid. ‘What’s the strongest area of the team?’ this guy asks. “No Comment”. I haven’t got a clue. Then more questions I don’t care about. “No Comment… no comment… no comment” – even to The Guardian. I say it again slowly so they can get the spelling right “Noooo Co-mmm-ennnnnt”.

Then I storm out. Joe Kinnear eat your foul-mouthed, somewhat fragile, heart out. Job done.

Later that day the Sporting Life headline sums up my command performance. ‘Hall blows top’. It took Keegan until after Christmas to do that. I’m ahead of the game already.

Speaking of games, I’m about to get around to playing one. At last a chance to see what these overpaid ponces can do.

One player that won’t feature is Fabricio Coloccini. I offloaded him to Man City for £5m. No room for a Mr Dependable like him in the Newcastle revolution.

Don’t get me wrong, the lad’s hair is quality – but you can take a nutter with boring hair and sort that out. Changing a solid player with a crap barnet into a raving lunatic fit for Newcastle is not so easy. Adios.

Maybe David Luiz is available? Daft hair and mental defending. That’s what I’m talking about.

Let’s hope I have enough quality in the side to get off to a winning start…

Follow Lee's progress in Football Manager 2012 every week only on Made2Game.

Lee Hall (@leehalltweets) is a freelance journalist and Newcatle United season ticket holder. Lee has written for FourFourTwo, Official PlayStation Magazine, PC Gamer, Sunderland Echo and, more pertinantly, once edited the official Championship Manager and Football Manager magazines.



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